I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
