Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
