He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
