I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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