Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
