yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
