YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
