tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
