How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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