So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
