In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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