Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
