Plan B is the new Plan A
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
