Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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