I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
