Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
