my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
