I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
