those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
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I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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