My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
