i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
