The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
