please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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