I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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