You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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