Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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