this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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