splinters make it hard to masturbate
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Holy shit dude........stairs
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
