I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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