it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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