Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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