I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You are the jesus of drinking
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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