Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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