I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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