Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
