this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
