Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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