I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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