God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
