I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life