And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?