I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
