I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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