she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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