Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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