Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.