you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
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Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.