Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
