happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
