Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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