Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
