Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
