He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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