good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize