Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
