i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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