Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
