Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
