I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
