Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
