do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
