My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
