i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
