Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
